I’ve been all but paralyzed all day. There is plenty to do, and I’ve been so stuck that by this time I am not confident that I can pull off the few pressing things that really need to be done right away.
The thing is, that I’ve been putting more hope than I’ve realized into things that are beyond my control.
No, not quite faith exactly. Just that I suddenly realize that I have been counting on assumptions that I’ve made, and that others have made around me and my family. And those assumptions have been boiling to the surface lately to bite us.
Last night I had a conversation with someone about holding onto promises so hard that we strangle them. It occurred to me in that conversation that Abraham and Sarah might have been ridiculously over-protective of Isaac. I mean, they hoped, prayed and waited for that kid for DECADES. When he finally came, I bet they were totally freaked out about him getting hurt or lost, or worse. And then worse happened: God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham was allowed to take it just far enough for him to realize that he has to trust God for Isaac’s sake. In a way, Abraham had to let go of God’s promises just enough so he didn’t end up breaking his own neck worrying over them.
And now back down to today’s problem: how to I get myself past this immobility that is interrupting the little things that I can solve/fix/complete/accomplish now? Because figuring this out is only half the battle. Struggles like this don’t live in fields of daises. They live in harsh craggy valleys. It’s hard to care about the little stones at your feet when it feels like there’s a mountain about to fall on you.
Psalms are helping, Beth Moore and Florence and the Machine are playing a part too.
After all, it occurs to me in this moment that I don’t have to grip the ground with my toes to make gravity work better. And I don’t have to clench anything to make God care about my husband and I more, to make him more faithful, or more trustworthy.
Something good is going to happen…